The cool air blows down here from the north, and the yellow, orange, and brown leaves all settle on the ground. The fall air is cool outside so that all the little houses will be glowing red through their little windows from heaters. Marching season is over. Time flows through my schedule like the leaves fall to the ground. My life on the outside cools down so that inside my thoughts can glow, like red coals keeping a fire burning.
So much of my living feeds from thought. From introspection. It’s really easy to loose touch with a friend because you haven’t gotten to spend much time together. I think the same goes with yourself. It’s really easy for me to loose track of who I am. I need the time to spend examining myself and seeing who I really am. Seeing the things I need to change in me. The same thing goes for God.
The most important thing in a relationship, besides love, is time. As of late I have reorganized my morning routine to fit in more time for God. I wake up every morning and start off reading a chapter in the Bible. I’ve been reading through 1 Corinthians. It’s been an amazing book. God finds something to tell me with every chapter. Something I need to work on more is prayer. Prayer is really just a conversation with God. It’s so hard for me though because a lot of times I seem to get this idea like God is just a concept that I’m supposed to sit and dwell on, but the thing is is that God is a person. Someone with a personality, who I can have a relationship with. Prayer is the way I can spend time with God.
All of this time to spend getting to know myself and God better has been awesome, but the truth is I feel sad a lot of times. I feel like I’ve somehow stretched out my friends thin, like butter on bread. I have a lot of friends, but no real close friends. I have good friends in church, people that I hang out with at school, and other people that I know. But, when I’m not at school I don’t really communicate or spend time with my school friends. Same goes for church friends. Without that little aspect of time I’ve failed to really build any close relationships that bleed through to just knowing each other. I feel really alone sometimes when I’m away from everyone. I sit there thinking about all of them doubting that they’re thinking about me. I don’t have anyone that I can call when I just want to talk. There’s no song I can sing or prose I can write that will fill the hole in me, the only thing that can fill that is a real, true, deep relationship with another human being.
So I sit here in this dark, warm room. I’m sure if I were outside it would be glowing red. I sit here with my thoughts and with God holding me in his lap. I wish that a bird would just fly me away, I wish you would come with me tonight. What do you say?
I know what you mean. On both levels –
Growing a rich, deep, relationship with God is hard, because he doesn’t audibly respond to us in the way we’d like him too. But he does respond, and a big part of getting to know God is learning his language, learning how he speaks to us. I’m still trying hard to figure that whole thing out.
And also, the compartmentalization of friendship is a really weird and perhaps distructive thing. My friends here in Dallas are spread out over tons of connection points, and none of those points overlap. I have friends from high school, friends from A&M, friends from AFC, friends from church, and so on. But none of these groups know each other at all. So there’s no focus, no core in my friendships. And as a result I find myself bouncing around but never going deep.
Not to be cheesy, but there’s a Bright Eyes lyric that says, “I’m completely alone at a table of friends.” I think that pretty much sums that situation up.
For me, I’m finding the answer is to look at relationships in terms of what I can give instead of what I can receive. It’s pretty hard, because I’m a selfish guy. I think approaching relationships with a servant mindset will not only enrich those relationships, but also connect with God.
I’m looking forward to hanging out this next week. It’s gonna be a good ol’ time.
And on a side note, good job on adding those buttons to the sidebar. You’re a coding guru.
i’ll be your friend (I know it has been two years since you wrote this)
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